A virus alert spoof
Letter No. 58 | January 23, 1999 Dear Web Master...
Here you go. I found the document which makes fun of most of the virus alerts, hoaxes, myths and urban legends that are making the rounds...it is kind of funny...hope you enjoy it, and feel free to pass it along, ciao for now, Sallie
I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of [brand name withheld] Fried Chicken. So, anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and and he saw a note on his mirror that said Call 911! But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an email entitled Join the crew!
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's trueI read it all last week in a mass email from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the email to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."
Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospitalthe one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an email and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every email he receives. I sent him two emails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to 20 people you will have good luck but 10 people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So, anyway, the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.
*Subject: Virus Alerts
Beware Of The Following Viruses:
Ellen Degeneres virus...Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Titanic virus...Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus...Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus...Quits after one byte.
Prozac virus...Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Woody Allen virus...By-passes the motherboard and turns on daughter card.
Joey Buttafuoco virus...Only attacks minor files.
Spice Girl virus...Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.
Ronald Reagan virus...Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Dr. Kevorkian virus...Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Oprah Winfrey virus...Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,and then slowly expands to 300MB.
AT&T virus...Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus...Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT& T virus.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus...Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
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