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Thursday, April 25 2002

Johnstown vs. The Real World

I almost never use "canned" material or other people's writing for these entries, but today I received (from John Golias) a piece that's so good I'm going to make an exception. There are a lot of creations similar to this out there, but this one strikes me as more appropos of Greater Johnstown than most of the others to any specific locale, and since this is the first time I'd seen this one, I'm hoping it will be new to you, also.

"Eligible Bachelor" Real World = College Degree, Professional Job
Johnstown = G.E.D., Works at Easygrade Brushless Autowash

"Elegant Wedding Reception" Real World = Live band, exquisite food, posh hotel, ballroom
Johnstown = Disc jockey, hokey pokey, pierogi, riggatoni, fire hall

"Formal Wear (Men's)" Real World = Black Tuxedo
Johnstown = Blue jeans and faded Jack Ham T-shirt

"Sophisticated Traveler" Real World = Has been around the world
Johnstown = Has been to Pittsburgh

"Celebrity Sightings" Real World = Tom Cruise
Johnstown = Jeff Allen (former anchorman at Fox)

"Summer" Real World = Memorial Day to Labor Day
Johnstown = First week in August

"Nice Weather" Real World = Hot and sunny
Johnstown = No flooding

"Great Music" Real World = Beethoven's 5th symphony
Johnstown = Pittsburgh Steeler Polka

"Ideal Soft Drink" Real World = Perrier with a twist
Johnstown = Sheetz 64-oz. Big Gulp Mountain Dew

"Ideal Family Structure" Real World = Husband works, wife stays home
Johnstown = Wife works, husband stays home

"Ideal Restaurant for 25th Wedding Anniversary Celebration"
Real World = Four Seasons
Johnstown = Hoss's Steak and Seafood House

"Place to Shop for Wedding Present" Real World = Bloomingdales
Johnstown = Big Lots

"Romantic Gift for Wife" Real World = Imported Cologne
Johnstown = Membership to the Windber Sports Club

"Romantic Gift for Husband" Real World = Armani Suit
Johnstown = Bright orange hunting vest

"Seven Course Meal" Real World = Appetizer, salad, sorbet, main course, desert, cognac, coffee
Johnstown = 12" M.T.O. and six-pack

"International Banking" Real World = Bank of Japan
Johnstown = Slovenian Savings and Loan

"Lifetime Goal" Real World = To reach the top of the corporate ladder
Johnstown = To be a lifetime recipient of Worker's Compensation

"Sports Memorabilia" Real World = Mickey Mantle autographed baseball
Johnstown = Johnstown Jet's key chain

"Classic Movie" Real World = Gone with the Wind
Johnstown = Slapshot

"Job Bonus" Real World = Stock Options
Johnstown = Black Lung benefits

"Special Event" Real World = Mardi Gras
Johnstown = Ferndale Jubilee

"Low Calorie Food" Real World = Weight Watchers
Johnstown = I.C. Light

"Designer Label" Real World = Ralph Lauren Polo
Johnstown = Hornick's Sporting Goods

"Newcomer's Club" Real World = Helps newcomers feel welcome
Johnstown = Warns newcomers as to which areas of town to avoid

"Nice Smile" Real World = Shiny white teeth, fresh breath
Johnstown = Front teeth present

"Luxury Vehicle" Real World = Cadillac, Lincoln, BMW.
Johnstown = Camero painted grey, 1/4 ton 4X4 with knobby tires, running boards, gun rack

"Best Orchestra" Real World = New York Philharmonic
Johnstown = Frankie Yankovich & the Yanks

"Famous Judge" Real World = Lance Ito
Johnstown = Joe O'Kicki

"Reasons for Living Where You Do" Real World = Job opportunities, good schools, nice neighborhood
Johnstown = Can't sell the house, spouse refuses to leave his/her mother behind

It's nice to see how many points I "score" on the "test." It just goes to show that over 35 years-plus, and 2700 miles away, not all my roots have been pulled out.

—Webmaster Jon Kennedy

Notes to God

A parochial school teacher asked her class to write notes to God. Here are some of the notes the children handed in:

Dear God: We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.

—Sent by Sallie Covolo

Thought for the day

"Translations"

Four clergymen were discussing the merits of the various translations of the Bible. One liked the King James Version because of its simple beautiful English.

Another liked the American Standard Version best because it is more literal and came nearer to the original Hebrew and Greek.

Still another liked Moffat's translation because of its up-to-date vocabulary.

The fourth minister was silent. When asked to express his opinion, he replied, "I like my mother's translation best."

The other three expressed surprise. They did not know that his mother had translated the Bible.

But he assured them, "She translated it into life, every day of her life, and it was the most convincing translation I ever saw."

Author Unknown
Sent by Zan

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